8 Ways to Spread the Love

By: Jamie Perillo, LPC

 

"Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier.” Mother Teresa

Growing up as a young child, each Valentine’s Day my father brought home a large bouquet of flowers, box of chocolates, and usually a gift for my mother. My sister and I would receive smaller bouquets of flowers, boxes of chocolates, and sometimes a stuffed animal. My mom always played it off not to expect something – because that was not what the day was about, but my sister and I waited excitedly for our dad to arrive home. Although she said,” that’s not what the day is about – it’s about sharing love,” my mom smiled a large smile when my dad came through the door carrying her roses. (Just to be fair there was always a gift for dad too.) The flowers were nice, and don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy flowers and Valentine’s now from my man, but the best message my family instilled as a child and my family practices today is to spread the love. Aside from the flowers we volunteered for community projects, helped others at home, and made homemade gifts for friends and family “just because.” This Valentine’s Day remember the more we give love the more love spreads.

Eight Ways to Spread the Love With Your Family:

1. Start a family secret valentine. Everyone chooses a name and over the week they have to do one kind act for their valentine.
2. Surprise a friend, neighbor, teacher, or loved one with a card, a homemade gift, or a nice phone call.
3. Be mindful to practice random acts of kindness. Hold the door open for someone, give a compliment, or help a friend at school or work.
4. Use positive words. Give compliments and express thanks and gratitude.
5. Do something special for your community. Volunteer for a community project – check out local schools, community centers, animal shelters, or places of worship for ideas.
6. Leave love notes.  Set up an area at home with crayons, paper, and other crafty items. During the week everyone can make a quick “love note” for family members and friends.
7. Try something new as a family. Trying new activities together creates bonding moments and positive memories.
8. Say, “I love you.” I’ve heard some say they save those three words for special occasions to save their meaning. I believe, however, to say, “I love you” as often as you can. For me those words never lose their meaning no matter when they are said. Let those you love know you love them.

 

Is Your Cup Too Full? 10 Ways to Reduce Your Stress

By: Jamie Perillo, LPC

Do you feel irritable, anxious, overwhelmed, exhausted, or down? Then your cup is probably too full.

Our cup – daily stress level - begins to fill each day with little drops – the drops can be physical, emotional, or mental. Physical drops may be the morning tantrum from your two year old because you didn’t give her the “right” socks, running late for work, the phone call reminder from your boss about that project due soon, or not getting enough sleep. These drops build throughout the day, some bigger than others.  Emotional or mental drops may be larger such as healing from a loss, disappointment, or sadness. These drops add to our “cup” throughout the day, eventually resulting in an overflow if we do not sufficiently filter it.

A child came into my office admitting he had a “blow-up.”  When we talked about his full cup he was able to acknowledge before his day began his cup was partly full with worry from listening to the news and sadness from kids teasing on the bus. As the day went on he didn’t get his way, struggled with a question on school work, and fought with his sister. By the end of the day, without having ways to filter his cup, it overflowed and he tantrumed.  Adults do the same.  I noticed I became cranky towards the end of the work day and my cup was feeling too full. I realized I wasn’t taking a lunch break, seeing clients for eight sometimes ten or eleven hours straight. Now my calendar has a set lunch hour. My mood became much brighter taking time for myself, nourishing my body, and utilizing the time for phone calls, meditation, or quick walk outside. Lunch and a breath of fresh air was a simple way to filter my cup.

How to Drain Your Cup and Reduce Your Stress

1. Check in with yourself throughout the day. Take a minute to take a deep breath and scan your body. Are you tense, frustrated, clenching your jaw, or taking shallow breaths? If so take one minute to do deep breathing. Then ask, “What do I need right now?” Try a quick walk outside, a call to a friend, or five minutes to journal.
2. Move. Try yoga, walking, dance, or any form of exercise which helps reduce stress.
3. Use your tribe. If you feel overloaded ask a friend or your partner for help.
4. Nourish your body and soul. Nourish your body with healthy food choices. Nourish your soul with inspiring activities – read a daily positive affirmation and practice activities that are soul inspiring for you.
5. Embrace the word no. Your cup will quickly overflow without having boundaries. Just because you are physically capable of doing many things – PTO meetings, making cupcakes for boy scouts, or hosting that fundraiser doesn’t mean you have to. Ask yourself, “Which activity to I really want to participate in?” Then kindly say “No” to the others.  
6. Get enough shut eye.
7. ight"er the "r mental. Physical drops may be the morning tantrum from your two year old because you didnt Have daily electronic- free time. The overload of emails and social media are quiet triggers for stress.
8. Connect with others.
9. Practice gratitude. When our gratitude increases our ability to manage stress increases.
10. Say "YES" to yourself. Remember: self- love is not selfish.

Savoring August as a Family

By: Jamie Perillo, LPC

I was recently asked to make a list of ways to help kids with back to school anxiety, which I will share with you – but not today. Tomorrow is August first. If you live in the Northeast kids begin to head back to school beginning of September or the end of August (grimace). You and your kids can think about this in two ways: we only have a month until school starts or we still have a month left. Which one feels better? I prefer the latter.

Today kids are busier than ever, which means so are you. Between over scheduled activities and school’s increasing demands, I am seeing more anxious, overwhelmed, and stressed –out kids in my psychotherapy office. So, today, instead of writing about how to make the transition back to school easier I am writing about embracing summer this month.

Summer is the season of Abundance. Grab your flip flops and picnic baskets and head to the beach basking in the sun, jumping in the waves, resting in the arms of a summer’s breeze. Frolic with your kids through the freshly cut grass, play ball, jump in the pool, peruse the local famer’s markets and make a meal together savoring all of summer’s bounty. Rest under a tree, bare feet grazing through the grass and reading your favorite book. This is summer in all of its glory - a time to exhale, unwind, and recharge. You deserve it and so do your children. 

I am not telling you to procrastinate the inevitable – I am asking you to enjoy the present. If your kids are excited to get their lunchboxes and backpacks by all means do it, but then put them away. Return to summer. This August I invite you to practice being in the moment – you and your family will feel relaxed and happier.

6 Ideas to Help You Savor Summer:

1. On index cards make a list of reasonable summer activities you and your family would like to do. Have each person place the cards in order beginning with their favorite activities and moving down. As a family decide which activities you would like to do throughout the month. Remember, this isn’t a plan to “go, go, go,” - make sure to leave time for lazy summer days because some of the best memories occur during unplanned time.

2. Practice presence. Breathe. Inhale. Notice the scents of freshly growing flowers, barbeque, newly cut grass, and salty ocean air. Exhale. Feel your feet on the grass or sand.

3. Express gratitude. What you are thankful for grows.

4. Take it slow. Schedule lazy days. Unscheduled down time allows for kids to use their creativity and imaginations.

5. Parent from your CORE. Take a moment to imagine what summer, ideally but realistically would look like for you and your family. How does that feel? Can you make a few small changes to get closer to that image?

6. Enjoy! Embrace your inner child with your family.

www.inspiredfamilies.com

Fill Your Cup

     It’s easy to get pulled into the everyday routines of caring for your kids or others, focusing on work and deadlines - the last thing you think to do is care for yourself. When you take care of yourself, you take care of your family - something I call filling your family’s cup. By doing something that feeds you, you are feeding your family.  You will have more energy, enthusiasm, and emotional presence. Doing something for yourself can be as simple as a quiet  cup of tea, hike or walk on the beach, ten minutes to read the news, talk with a friend, date night, basketball game, or yoga class.

     This week I challenge you to do one thing for yourself each day. Schedule it as an appointment or a meeting and do not cancel. You deserve it. You are worthy of your own love.

Share with us what you will do for you this week!

Blessings and Love,

Jamie

The Black Dot: How to Shift Your Negative Thought

The Black Dot
By Jamie Perillo, LPC

     When I was twelve I attended a holiday service with my mother. We were shown a large white poster board with a black dot in the center and were asked, “What do you see?” At twelve, not too happy to be there on a Saturday afternoon, I remember thinking this was a silly question. ” I see a black dot. There’s nothing else to see."

     I was gratefully proven wrong.  The speaker explained, “You have two choices.  You can see the black dot or you can see a large piece of beautiful white paper with lots of room to write on.” In life, we have a choice – we can focus on the negative or we can try to see the positive. We have the choice to fixate on the black dot or see beyond the dot and open our mind to all of the possibilities the situation might bring.

     When children come in anxious or stuck in negative thinking patterns I show them the paper with the black dot. Initially I am met with the same, “Are you kidding me?” look I gave many years ago. But as I explain the purpose in the exercise their eyes brighten and the lesson is understood.

If your child is having difficulty stuck in negative thought patterns or anxious, try showing them the paper with the black dot.  It will be a lesson that sticks with them years later.

How to Talk to Your Kids About Tragedy in the News

How to Talk to Your Kids About Tragedy in the News


I am saddened to have to post this today. It seems in the past twelve months I've posted something similar too much. It's overwhelming. I've already spoken to parents who are saying, "Parenting feels so difficult today. How do I explain this?"

Parenting is difficult, especially when events like the tragedy in Boston yesterday occur. You want to shield your child's innocence, and protect them from worry and fear - all while you are whirling inside with anger, sadness, or worry.

Here are some tips to talk to your child about tragedy in the news:

1. Before you talk to your child or answer any questions, check in with your own feelings. Take a deep breathe. Be honest with yourself because children are perceptive and they will notice too. It's okay to say, "Mommy feels sad for the people who were hurt." Follow up, with a positive statement for your child, such as suggesting a way to volunteer help or a reminder of why your child is safe.

2. Explore your child's thoughts. If they ask a question inquire further. Find out what they know and how they feel about it - don't assume. Kids talk and have great imaginations - check in with what they know. (Ask without providing too much detail)

3. Validate your child's feelings with statements such as, " It was a scary event." Statements such as "Don't worry about it, you don't need to feel scared, or "get over it" are not helpful.
 
4. The news can make events that are uncommon feel as though they happen everyday everywhere affecting a child's sense of safety. Talk to your child about the news, how they focus on such events, and remind your child such disasters are not as common as the news may make it sound. Shield your child's exposure to the news.
 
4. Get concrete. Talk numbers. For example, how many marathons occur every year and how many people were safe. Remind your child they are safe and why.
 
5. Keep explanations simple and age appropriate.
 
6. Check in with your teens. With technology today it is quit likely they have been exposed to information about the tragedy. Talk to them.
 
7. Invite your child to get involved in a volunteer project to help others. This is a great tool in helping deal with tragedy and disasters. For example, send cards, make a donation, or look up ways you can help the people of Boston. 

8. Instill some hope. Remind your child, as Mr. Roger's says, "Of the helpers." Talk about the emergency responders, the heroic bystanders and runners who did not run away but towards the people to offer help. In times of crisis, remind your child there are always people to help. That the helpers outnumber the those that hurt. 

9. Seek support if your child is appearing overly anxious or withdrawn. 

Prayers, Love, and Peace for You

Prayers, Love, and Peace for You

By Jamie Perillo, LPC

There are no words for what happened today. My heart and entire being is beyond sad for the tragedy that occurred at Sandy Hook Elementary School. My tears have not stopped for the innocent souls – the beautiful children that walked into school this morning probably talking about their Elf on the Shelf, what Santa was going to bring, what they might have gotten for Hanukkah.  For them the world was still full of magic. Today that was taken away from them.

My heart goes out to the families, the community, and the world. I cannot fathom such a tragedy. As a child and family therapist who works with children on many difficult life issues – today’s acts are beyond comprehension.

To the parents and families who got the call and ran to their babies, mothers, husbands, wives, fathers, and friends– my heart goes out to you. To the families who have received the heart-wrenching news – who could not find their babies and family – because they were not there – my heart goes out to you. I know, as someone who lost a mother early in life, those words I just wrote are not nearly enough. Will never be enough. I’m sorry. To the souls who are still fighting to live – I believe in miracles and I believe in you. The world is praying for your healing.

The time is now. Not tomorrow, not in the New Year, but today – this very second - to do what Gandhi said and “Be the change." To every parent, child, grandparent, every human soul – use your voice, stand up for what you believe in, know that the smallest acts can be the biggest. The world needs healing and every one of you has the ability to help heal.  

 Hate plus hate does not equal love. With such a senseless, horrific act that happened today, this is difficult to embrace. Start by embracing the Newtown Community. Then together, let’s embrace the world. You make a difference.

Prayers, Love, and Peace to the Newtown Community and You.