Mom and Dad, Your'e Doing Alright

By: Jamie Perillo, LPC          

         

            Parents often ask me, “Am I doing the parenting thing right?” “I want to be a good Mom,” or “I hope my kids remember some of the good stuff and not all of my mess-ups.” I see the agony on their faces when their child is hurting, and I hear their inner plea,” Please, don’t let it be because of me.” When there was something, perhaps they could have done differently I see their breathing shallow and their eyes silently begging for their child’s forgiveness.  Sometimes I see a parent’s fatigue, overwhelm, and exhaustion. I hear from deep in their gut a quiet yell, “Damn, this is hard.” And when something wonderful, even the tiniest of wonderful occurs, I see their eyes fill with tears of pure joy and relief.

I’ve had parent’s ask me, "Do you think my kids will remember any of the good or just my mistakes?' Here’s my answer:

In the seventeen years my mother was alive, I probably complained a lot. No, I know I complained a lot. When I was an early teenager I threw out a few blaming “It’s because of you” or “It’s all your fault” statements. Now, eighteen years later I can’t remember why I said those things - all I remember is the good stuff. My mother standing at the top of the stairs, cooking chicken soup in the kitchen, and smiling as I came in the front door from school, her arms open wide to greet me. I remember her studying social studies facts with me, writing “you’ll do great” on my arm, trying  to relax my anxious mind; and when I was afraid of  the playground ghost stories she would sit in the beanbag chair in my bedroom until I fell asleep. I remember watching her at the kitchen table doing homework with my sister in the evening, after she had already picked me up from tennis practice and made dinner – hours after she had undergone chemotherapy and radiation– sitting giving time to us.

Your kids will remember your tiny gestures -when you rub their back when they have a cold, tucking them in at night and allowing that extra bedtime story – just because.  They’ll remember when you greet them at the door, or put your phone/work/emails down to listen to the new joke they learned, or you surprising them at school for an ice-cream date. They will look back one day and understand you did the best you could with what you had at the time.

I had my mom for seventeen years. It was not nearly long enough. But when she was here – she was here; she was present. We knew we were loved and she took the time to make sure of that. She filled us up with enough love to last, and for that I am grateful.

Give your children TIME, create memories, participate in family ritual (traditions), laugh and joke together, give hugs, say, “I love you,” say, ”I’m sorry,” and  look them in their eyes and  listen. These are the things they will remember. Give yourself a break - you are doing a great job.

Form Your Team and Reduce Your Stress

By: Jamie Perillo, LPC

               

               Do you go to bed with anxiety, feel your chest tightening when you think of your family’s daily schedule? Do your muscles tense when you consider how you will get from work to your child’s bus stop in time to pick them up, gather the kids and give them their snacks, assess homework, pile them into the car for baseball, drum lessons, and girl scouts?

            More parents are reporting increased anxiety, depression, and an overall increase in stress. When, as a child and family therapist, I see parents for stress related issues I ask, “Who is your support network?”           

          Several generations ago parent’s lived in close knit communities or tribes, receiving readily available support from grandparents, relatives, or community members. Today due to technology, transportation, and the economy - parents often go it alone or with minimal supports. 

          In our westernized culture a sort of “Supermom” phenomena has developed.  Parent’s often say they feel they need to be able to do it all, do it well, and do it alone or they are not good parents. They show feelings of inadequacy or failure if they need to ask for help. Yet the very nature of being human is our ability and need to connect with others.

            A lack of support and false idea that being a good parent means being able to do it all alone is extremely stressful. You don’t have to do it alone. Whatever the source, support is an essential component of being a parent and being human.

How Do You Get Support?

There are two types of support needs: physical and emotional. Phyiscal needs are daily activity supports. First, assess your current supports – where do you feel you would benefit from some extra help? Start your own Mommy or Daddy team by reaching out to others.  You can fashion your team by joining a parents ‘support group, play group, or creating your own book group. Instead of dropping your child off at practice, reach out and talk to other parents – perhaps start a carpool with a parent nearby or take turns making community dinners where each parent brings a dish to trade off on days your child has games, reducing the stress when you return home.  Find dependable and available sitters or offer to swap days with another parent for caretaking

            Perhaps your daily routine has a good rhythm but you need emotional support - someone to vent to or a friend to laugh with. Gather your team. Use your reliable sitter or friend who will care for your kids so you can have some “you” time. Start a “Mommies night,” join a basketball league, have date night with your spouse, or search your local adult education program for an activity that will interest you.  Join a monthly parent’s support group, seek a reputable online parenting forum, or find support with a professional for your emotional needs.

Next, designate the level of support from each “team member.” Think of your team as a bullseye – your center target consist of your closest and most dependable supports then moves outwards.  Some will be priority players and some may be backups. There are friends you know you can count on who are team players, providing a healthy balance of give and take.  Other friends you might contact and hear from a week or month later. They may still be good friends, and a good laugh, but perhaps not the team members to use in a bind.  Then there are the people in life – I’m sure you know one or two – which you want in your life, but they are unreliable for physical or emotional support. You don’t have to kick them off the team, just be mindful of where they stand, so you are not disappointed. Remember you are the captain – you can hire and fire team members as you choose.

  Once you have your team in place, practice seeking out different members for different types of support. As you do you will notice a change in your stress level, and perhaps even in your anxiety or mood. Your kids will notice too. Another benefit of actively seeking support - you are teaching your children to do the same.

Is Your Cup Too Full? 10 Ways to Reduce Your Stress

By: Jamie Perillo, LPC

Do you feel irritable, anxious, overwhelmed, exhausted, or down? Then your cup is probably too full.

Our cup – daily stress level - begins to fill each day with little drops – the drops can be physical, emotional, or mental. Physical drops may be the morning tantrum from your two year old because you didn’t give her the “right” socks, running late for work, the phone call reminder from your boss about that project due soon, or not getting enough sleep. These drops build throughout the day, some bigger than others.  Emotional or mental drops may be larger such as healing from a loss, disappointment, or sadness. These drops add to our “cup” throughout the day, eventually resulting in an overflow if we do not sufficiently filter it.

A child came into my office admitting he had a “blow-up.”  When we talked about his full cup he was able to acknowledge before his day began his cup was partly full with worry from listening to the news and sadness from kids teasing on the bus. As the day went on he didn’t get his way, struggled with a question on school work, and fought with his sister. By the end of the day, without having ways to filter his cup, it overflowed and he tantrumed.  Adults do the same.  I noticed I became cranky towards the end of the work day and my cup was feeling too full. I realized I wasn’t taking a lunch break, seeing clients for eight sometimes ten or eleven hours straight. Now my calendar has a set lunch hour. My mood became much brighter taking time for myself, nourishing my body, and utilizing the time for phone calls, meditation, or quick walk outside. Lunch and a breath of fresh air was a simple way to filter my cup.

How to Drain Your Cup and Reduce Your Stress

1. Check in with yourself throughout the day. Take a minute to take a deep breath and scan your body. Are you tense, frustrated, clenching your jaw, or taking shallow breaths? If so take one minute to do deep breathing. Then ask, “What do I need right now?” Try a quick walk outside, a call to a friend, or five minutes to journal.
2. Move. Try yoga, walking, dance, or any form of exercise which helps reduce stress.
3. Use your tribe. If you feel overloaded ask a friend or your partner for help.
4. Nourish your body and soul. Nourish your body with healthy food choices. Nourish your soul with inspiring activities – read a daily positive affirmation and practice activities that are soul inspiring for you.
5. Embrace the word no. Your cup will quickly overflow without having boundaries. Just because you are physically capable of doing many things – PTO meetings, making cupcakes for boy scouts, or hosting that fundraiser doesn’t mean you have to. Ask yourself, “Which activity to I really want to participate in?” Then kindly say “No” to the others.  
6. Get enough shut eye.
7. ight"er the "r mental. Physical drops may be the morning tantrum from your two year old because you didnt Have daily electronic- free time. The overload of emails and social media are quiet triggers for stress.
8. Connect with others.
9. Practice gratitude. When our gratitude increases our ability to manage stress increases.
10. Say "YES" to yourself. Remember: self- love is not selfish.

Fill Your Cup

     It’s easy to get pulled into the everyday routines of caring for your kids or others, focusing on work and deadlines - the last thing you think to do is care for yourself. When you take care of yourself, you take care of your family - something I call filling your family’s cup. By doing something that feeds you, you are feeding your family.  You will have more energy, enthusiasm, and emotional presence. Doing something for yourself can be as simple as a quiet  cup of tea, hike or walk on the beach, ten minutes to read the news, talk with a friend, date night, basketball game, or yoga class.

     This week I challenge you to do one thing for yourself each day. Schedule it as an appointment or a meeting and do not cancel. You deserve it. You are worthy of your own love.

Share with us what you will do for you this week!

Blessings and Love,

Jamie